Voices of Companions
Bravo to you ladies for the forum you are providing. I am a radically pro-choice 40-something man, who was made that way by my experience. A typical but uniquely true story.
I was 16 in the late 70s. Small town. I fell into puppy love with a 15 year old school mate. We had unprotected sex. All seemed to be going great until in wasn't.
She stopped talking to me, as I tried to break though the shell she put up. She was out of school for a few days, I was still trying to get hold of her. At some point one of my friends called me and said two of them were coming over to pick me up. She wanted to see me. He wouldn’t say why, that she would explain. I figured she was going to dump me, but they wouldn’t say. They were both quiet all the way over to her house.
We pull in the driveway and the house looks to be completely dark. Another female answered the door, I’m not sure who it was. I was focused on getting to see my girlfriend. My friends went into her bedroom while I waited on the sofa outside the door. They came out and led me in. She was in bed in her nightgown coughing. I asked “What’s wrong?” She had pneumonia. She wouldn’t look at me. Everyone who wasn’t clueless like me seemed morose. I wondered how sick she was. She said that she had had an abortion, and that since she figured I wouldn't marry her that was her only option. A black anvil fell on my head, or at least it felt that way. My memory is a bit fuzzy after that. I may have apologized and asked if there was anything I could do. I’m not sure. I don’t know what she said to me. I don’t think it was much. I was led out of the house by my friends. I remember riding back to my house. I kind of recall asking them if there was anything I could do for her and one of them saying something like “leave her alone and don’t tell anyone”. I wandered into my house. Laid on the bed, clothed in the dark for a long time. I promised myself I would do those things for her no matter what. I imagined her father and brothers coming to kick my ass. A good ass kicking from them would have felt better than my pain. It would feel best if she could see it, and get some comfort from that. I was heartbroken. I was totally confused about losing a baby I didn’t know we had. I was not angry. I was never angry. I missed her terribly. I was still infatuated. I probably was for a least a year after that.
I did leave her alone and did not talk about it with anyone. Nearly 30 years. A long deep depression followed. I was alone with my burdens of guilt, grief and alienation from the small community where I had grown up. Abortion was not discussed, depression was not discussed. None of that fit in with the idyllic ideals of God, work and family.
When my daughter became a teenager, the past came back to haunt me. Guilt, anxiety, more guilt, fear and guilt had been my companions through the years but suddenly the anvil that had fallen on my head those many years ago was back. I got help, but finding good help was difficult. Even liberal therapists have very strong views on abortion that color their techniques. I found an excellent therapist in an unlikely place - online.
With my therapist's help and lots of great support from my wife of many years and some friends from the old days, I was able to wade through the horrible pains of the past and find out the truth. After 30 years, I discovered that the old girlfriend had made up the abortion story. She was able to do this with the help of some silent friends and a tight community that abhorred teen sex and abortion so much that these subjects could not be discussed in the light of day.
I am completely convinced that individual women always have the ultimate power over their reproductive systems. That is a fact that God created, or it simply is the fact. Laws, social customs and decent human beings should deal with this primary fact in all their practices and beliefs when it comes to abortion. Legal restrictions on abortion attempt to deny the fact by artificially denying that power. Social stigmas through shame attempt to impose the will of others over the individual women who has the power over her womb and the contents therein. Cheers to people like Jennifer and Kate who are working to lessen the stigma.
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I have never had an abortion. However, when I was in college in 1972, a good friend of mine became pregnant. She knew immediately that she did not want to have a child at that time in her life. She was 22 years old and a junior in college. In Michigan at that time, abortion was illegal. So another friend of ours told our friend that we would take her to the state of New York for a long weekend so that she could have an abortion. The three of us flew to New York City so that our friend could have a safe, legal abortion. How absurd that we had to fly to another state so that a woman could have a safe, legal abortion procedure! The three of us took a cab to a clinic in NYC so that she could have her procedure. Fortunately for all of us we made the 4 day weekend into loads of fun. I am proud to say that I have been a strong proponent of abortion rights for many years.
Now, my daughter is an abortion provider. I am so proud of the many women in today's society that work so hard to give women today the opportunity to have safe, legal abortions when they need to. Thank you for providing a voice to all women.
Denise Palmer
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